“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I hate how disconnected I’ve become in a world that is about staying “connected” in this digital age. But here’s the truth, those pixels, those words are never going to compare to seeing someone face to face. Sometimes, life gets in the way. That’s understandable. But if you really miss someone, and the opportunity arose, wouldn’t you take it? Even if it were for just a few minutes.

I remember in August, sitting around a bonfire, realizing that that was our last night before we became college students, that that was the last time we were all “together”. He said something that upset me, “What if…things aren’t going to be like this when we are all together again?” or something along those lines. I openly showed my disapproval, and he pushed me making me lose balance and fall onto the ground. I think about this a lot. About what he meant, and about how he held some truth in his words. Things aren’t the same, at least, as people we aren’t the same. When I say that “I miss you”, things don’t feel the same. But when I see you, there’s no mistaking that some things haven’t changed. We’ve grown a little older now. A little more mature. But when I know that there is a chance that we’ll get to see each other, I get a little excited because there’s nowhere I’d rather be than enjoying each other’s company. 

“I’m glad we had SPOP,” she told me as we got back into her car. 

I remember how nervous and anxious I was for SPOP, my first college orientation. I was afraid that I wouldn’t meet anyone and be alone the whole time. I remember the last day of SPOP when we played the “touch game” and I was so surprised to see that the person I thought had been touching me while we were sitting on the floor with our eyes closed was going around with me playing the same round as me, I remember feeling so…touched that people I had barley met felt so kindly toward me. 

Up until now, I would describe any good events in my life as lucky. But I’m not lucky. No, I’m blessed (as Shannon likes to say). 

Today, I played tennis at the ARC for the first time since Junior Year. I was afraid at first, because it’s been so long since I’ve actually held a racket and hit a ball. And I’m not that great…I mean they made a JV B Team for me and my friends haha. But as we played I started to get into the swing of things. Feet apart, on your toes, watch the ball. The sound the racket makes when the ball hits the ball just right, and the feeling in your hand…is so great. To know that you hit it right. But I cherish even those moments when I tried to hit the ball but aimed to low or high or when I wasn’t paying close enough attention and the ball would shoot up in the air, because we were playing just for fun and you have to laugh at yourself sometimes. When you make a mistake you can’t beat yourself over it, laugh it off and try again. 

We went to Cha so we could get boba and so I could grab some food before Rural Practice. We laughed about how we thought one of the workers was cute…HAHAHA. 2 hours of practice, I’m so tired out. But the dances are fun and I enjoy meeting new people. I still need to unpack my things from the weekend because i haven’t been in my room since I left for class this morning. And now I have to start studying for my bio midterm. Maybe I should download self-control….and block tumblr and facebook…haha oh my goodness. 

Today was a good day. I’m feeling blessed. I’m happy for everyone in my life and for the events that have brought me to where I am. Really, I don’t need to have everyone know my name or who I am. I’m happy with the people that I can call good company. 

Once you’ve reached the bottom, the only way left is up.

Sometimes you have to take a break, stop, and look at all of the things you have been blessed with. Sometimes you have to realize that life will not always go your way, but that doesn’t mean you stop trying. Stop living in the past and stop playing the victim. Remember that everything happens for a reason. Smile, because the future is bright. 

“Don’t you ever get lonely?” she asked me.

The truth, of course I get lonely. Things are different. I’m surrounded by people, but it’s not the same. I miss a lot of things. But things are different now. We’re all different people now.

But that’s the things about growing up, you have to learn to embrace change and hope that you haven’t burned too many bridges. “Growing up means you accept and are open to the changes that we ALL eventually go through at some point and adapting to them gracefully, yet not always willingly.” So, sometimes I do get lonely. Growing up is a learning process, and although it can be painful, it gets easier. 

I looked up at the ceiling, “Sometimes, but you get used to it”.

Growing Pains. I must say that the most recent events in my life have gotten me thinking about growing up and the things that go along with it. Loie mentioned that he didn’t want to get used to “this”. I asked him what he meant and he told me “I don’t want to get used to college life. You know that feeling when you get used to something and you miss how things used to be?” And I told him “But after college…is a whole different experience too”. And before I was talking to Loie, I was talking to Shannon. She told me that she was trying to motivate herself to not go home on the weekends because she’s a “student now”. I’m almost finished with my first quarter of college, and I guess it’s taken me this long but I’m getting used to it. At times I still feel like a kid. I go home most weekends. I depend on my parents for money. My priorities are out of order.

So, tonight is the first night that I’m staying up late to do homework and study. Because I usually stay up late because I don’t want to sleep. I decided to start searching for employment opportunities on/near campus. And I started to research scholarship opportunities. As unbelievable it may seem to me right now, I’m not a kid anymore. Money isn’t going to suddenly start growing on trees. And a few nights before the final isn’t enough time to cram in a full quarter of information. College is expensive and I want to contribute more than by doing well in school. “Growing up means you accept and are open to the changes that we ALL eventually go through at some point and adapting to them gracefully, yet not always willingly.” 

College hasn’t even started and school is already starting to stress me out.

• My arms want to fall off because they hurt so much from lugging around bedsheets across the mall.
• I don’t know what other fees I need to pay and the website isn’t very helpful. 
• I need to get 4 shots to make sure my immunization record is up to date.
• Visited MSMC today. Almost suffered from an anxiety attack on the way back home. The freeway ramp was closed. It was hot, I was tired from walking, MSMC is on a freaking mountain with no streetlights, my cellphone/gps was dying, and I thought that I was going to get us lost in LA. I was about to pull over, start panicking, and tell Loie to drive. This almost makes me glad that I’m bringing a bike instead of my car to college.

Besides this stress, visiting Kristina at MSMC made me pretty excited to be starting school soon. Getting lost in Westwood (during daylight hours) was quite an adventure. The “lowkey” spot has an amazing view of smoggy LA. We ended the night with delicious ice cream sandwiches. I can’t wait to move in and decorate my dorm room. And meet new people. Because honestly, sometimes…I’m just tired of the same people with the same bs time after time. Just a few more weeks of summer. 

I like:

• I like going to practice and ending up going out to eat instead.
• I like going out to eat in our practice clothes.
• I like going to go get Dim Sum and end up getting Tea Station and Teppanyaki instead.
• I like that the voice box greets you, “NI HAO!”, when you walk into/out of Tea Station.
• I like milk green tea boba.
• I like green tea ice cream.
• I like grilled rice balls.
• I like getting the bolder flavored sauce. 
• I like Bruno Mars’s voice.
• I like acoustic versions of a song.
• I like driving on the freeway at night.
• I like my sweatshirt with a crab on it.
• I like laughter.
• I like chola, ghetto, and indian accents.
• I like cold summer nights.
• I like pet stores.
• I like bunnies. 
• I love summer.
• I love good times with the people I love.

I dislike:

• I dislike that I woke up with a cut on my right eyelid.
• I dislike that I ran out of conditioner a week ago and my hair is starting to feel gross.
• I dislike that we didn’t practice because Melissa is sick.
• I dislike that Sea Empress doesn’t serve Dim Sum for dinner, only for lunch.
• I dislike worrying.
• I dislike over-thinking.
• I dislike that Vanessa leaves for NorCal next week.
• I dislike that most of my friends start school 5 weeks before I do.
• I dislike heartbreak.
• I dislike that I spilled fruit punch and sauce on my crab sweatshirt.
• I dislike distance.
• I dislike that things are never what they seem.